Weight 131
Steps 8300
Calories, 2500
So, I had an experience yesterday that was a great learning experience and something we apparently never stop going through. They say that God keeps testing you until you learn your lessons, and I think I have finally learned a lot about personal relationships. I vaguely remember in Junior High where the band of "popular" girls would focus in on a target and torment her by starting rumors, taking behind her back (within earshot, or to a person who is certain to relay the information). I am 40 and have learned that some girls never outgrow that. When I learned that someone who I am not accountable to was complaining about how I time block my day because they didn't want to deal with the mildly unpleasant task of asking a person to leave a voicemail, I exploded with anger. I couldn't help it. The reason is because of the conduit that was used, someone I thought was a friend. And, that person not only told me what was said about me, but went on to defend that person's point of view. I was hurt and livid. I did what I always do when I deal with something difficult, I study it. How to manage anger, phrases for dealing with difficult people, etc. None of this was helpful, it only fueled my anger. That is until I read something that put everything in perspective. The biggest question I had was, why? Why do women feel the need to tear other women down? Because they feel inferior and they are competing with you. Sigh. Now I get it. While I can't empathize and refuse to sympathize, I accept that it exists. It exists in men too by the way.
So, I implore you all to consider your friends. Do they ever speak ill of others for very superficial reasons? Then, they speak ill of you. There is a quote that says something like, "I'm not upset that that person was talking about me, but that you are a person they thought they could talk about me to."
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Friday, December 4, 2015
I Just Can't Stop Eating
Weight 233.2
Calories 3184
Steps 10,903
So, I started off this day with the best of intentions. However, my eating got out of control right away. I brought some smoked turkey sticks for my 3pm snack (that's always when I feel drained and need a pick-me-up). I brought the entire package to work thinking I would have a couple at 3pm, and they would last me several days. I had the entire package devoured by 11:30 a.m.
When I got home, I had two servings of chili instead of 1. I was full after 1, so why did I eat the second ? UUUUHHHGGGG! I have to get this under control. It's clearly my main problem.
As you can see above, I had no problem getting my steps in! I took my mini-walks at work and did some straightening of the house when I got home. I'm very proud of myself. I can't say that I notice any difference in how I feel or that my concentration has been better. I still crash around 3pm. But, it is really too soon to tell. I will keep doing it. I know one thing, it isn't hurting me.
So, the biggest thing for me to do is to cut my calories in half. I lose weight pretty quickly at 1500 calories and a steady workout schedule.
I think one of the things I need to do is to cut calories within my meals i.e., less cheese, butter, etc. If I can feel stuffed on less calories, that may help.
When my mom moves out of my house, her bedroom will become my workout room; I'm so excited!!
Calories 3184
Steps 10,903
So, I started off this day with the best of intentions. However, my eating got out of control right away. I brought some smoked turkey sticks for my 3pm snack (that's always when I feel drained and need a pick-me-up). I brought the entire package to work thinking I would have a couple at 3pm, and they would last me several days. I had the entire package devoured by 11:30 a.m.
When I got home, I had two servings of chili instead of 1. I was full after 1, so why did I eat the second ? UUUUHHHGGGG! I have to get this under control. It's clearly my main problem.
As you can see above, I had no problem getting my steps in! I took my mini-walks at work and did some straightening of the house when I got home. I'm very proud of myself. I can't say that I notice any difference in how I feel or that my concentration has been better. I still crash around 3pm. But, it is really too soon to tell. I will keep doing it. I know one thing, it isn't hurting me.
So, the biggest thing for me to do is to cut my calories in half. I lose weight pretty quickly at 1500 calories and a steady workout schedule.
I think one of the things I need to do is to cut calories within my meals i.e., less cheese, butter, etc. If I can feel stuffed on less calories, that may help.
When my mom moves out of my house, her bedroom will become my workout room; I'm so excited!!
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Conquering Feelings of Guilt
Weight: 230
Calories: 2985 (ouch!)
Steps: 6192
So, as promised, I want to first follow-up with how I did with my steps. I did pretty good at getting up every hour and taking a brief walk around my building. I did a total of 6192 steps yesterday. I might have actually done more, but I had paused my pedometer throughout the day when I wasn't deliberately walking. My friend David pointed out to me that wasn't really necessary and we did some tests with me just moving my arm to see if it logged as steps and it in fact did not. I don't know how it knows, but it knows.
The first few times I did the walk, I was out of breath and a little light headed when I got back to my desk. As the day went on it got easier energy wise, but my motivation to walk was less. I did it anyway. One hour I missed because I just couldn't pull myself away from my work, but, I did 2 laps the next hour to make up for it. I will keep doing this walk because I think it is critical for circulation, etc. I'm sure will not affect my weight so much because it's not like I break a sweat or get my heart rate up or anything, but, it can't be healthy to sit still for 8 straight hours. If I can manage it, I will try doing 2 laps per hour which would put me well over the 10,000 steps I am working toward.
So, that's how steps are going and, moving forward, I will not only post my weight and calories, but will also post my steps.
Now, to my subject: Guilt. Not guilt of having eaten too many calories or fallen short of my goals in any way. In fact, it's very easy form me to say "screw it, I'll just start over tomorrow." I'm talking about guilt for taking time out for myself. Why do I feel so guilty? Even as I type this blog, I have an overwhelming feeling of, there's something else I should be doing. . . When I say guilt, I'm talking about a specific burning feeling in my gut. I don't know if it's actual guilt or fear or anxiety or anger, maybe it's a mix of all of those feelings, but it actually burns. I feel it.
Last week I did some aerobic CD workouts in the morning. I was so proud of myself, but that entire week I had a burning feeling in my gut that I was dropping the ball somewhere else. It didn't help that I was pestered by the attorney I work for (part-time at home) more than usual for what seemed to be nonsensical manifested emergencies which were not emergencies at all. He just had this sense of urgency that he thought we were missing deadlines (we weren't) and that everything was falling apart (it wasn't). Mind you, he had no idea that I had taken time out for myself to workout, but you see this is how the universe works against me. I feel like I have everything in place with my schedule so I squeeze in some time for myself and the world around me goes crazy. Well, at least that's how it seems. A similar thing happened earlier this year when I had developed a routine of hitting the gym in the morning before my full-time day job. It caused me to be a few minutes late every morning and my boss reprimanded me for it. My bubble was burst and that whole routine fell out the window.
It doesn't take much to throw me off course. My motivation is a very fragile delicate thing.
We hear this a lot from moms. There's so much to do for everyone else that there's no way to squeeze time in for yourself. Fitness gurus respond simply by saying something like, but if you don't take care of yourself, you aren't giving your best to your kids, or, you owe it to your kids to take care of yourself. While I don't have children, I do have a 60-hour work week between a full-time and part-time job. Both of which are demanding. Anyway, that doesn't solve the problem of the overwhelming guilty feeling. There has to be more to it. It's a more deeply embedded psychological issue. It isn't simply knowing that taking time out for yourself really does benefit others. If it was that simple. . .
While I believe it's absolutely true that I am a better employee when I feel good, I'm not sure that matters much to my employers. They want to feel like they own some of my time. That's what they are paying for, my time. That's not really how I see it. I mean, what is so magical about the hours 9 to 5 other than you want complete control of my schedule? I feel like they are paying for my work, and, if I don't have a specific appointment to meet with or talk with someone, why can't my hours be a little flexible. I'm a good worker. I'll get the work done.
I did have a scary realization out of all of this. I love working. I have no problem putting in long hours. There were times I stayed at work until 7pm for boss no. 2. I thought that entitled me to pop in at 9:30 a.m. the next morning, but I was met with, the hours are 9 to 5 and I don't want to have this discussion again. Okay. Fair enough. You're the boss. So, my realization is that, if I want a flexible schedule, I have to be the boss. That's where it gets a little scary. But, it has to be so. It has to be so.
Calories: 2985 (ouch!)
Steps: 6192
So, as promised, I want to first follow-up with how I did with my steps. I did pretty good at getting up every hour and taking a brief walk around my building. I did a total of 6192 steps yesterday. I might have actually done more, but I had paused my pedometer throughout the day when I wasn't deliberately walking. My friend David pointed out to me that wasn't really necessary and we did some tests with me just moving my arm to see if it logged as steps and it in fact did not. I don't know how it knows, but it knows.
The first few times I did the walk, I was out of breath and a little light headed when I got back to my desk. As the day went on it got easier energy wise, but my motivation to walk was less. I did it anyway. One hour I missed because I just couldn't pull myself away from my work, but, I did 2 laps the next hour to make up for it. I will keep doing this walk because I think it is critical for circulation, etc. I'm sure will not affect my weight so much because it's not like I break a sweat or get my heart rate up or anything, but, it can't be healthy to sit still for 8 straight hours. If I can manage it, I will try doing 2 laps per hour which would put me well over the 10,000 steps I am working toward.
So, that's how steps are going and, moving forward, I will not only post my weight and calories, but will also post my steps.
Now, to my subject: Guilt. Not guilt of having eaten too many calories or fallen short of my goals in any way. In fact, it's very easy form me to say "screw it, I'll just start over tomorrow." I'm talking about guilt for taking time out for myself. Why do I feel so guilty? Even as I type this blog, I have an overwhelming feeling of, there's something else I should be doing. . . When I say guilt, I'm talking about a specific burning feeling in my gut. I don't know if it's actual guilt or fear or anxiety or anger, maybe it's a mix of all of those feelings, but it actually burns. I feel it.
Last week I did some aerobic CD workouts in the morning. I was so proud of myself, but that entire week I had a burning feeling in my gut that I was dropping the ball somewhere else. It didn't help that I was pestered by the attorney I work for (part-time at home) more than usual for what seemed to be nonsensical manifested emergencies which were not emergencies at all. He just had this sense of urgency that he thought we were missing deadlines (we weren't) and that everything was falling apart (it wasn't). Mind you, he had no idea that I had taken time out for myself to workout, but you see this is how the universe works against me. I feel like I have everything in place with my schedule so I squeeze in some time for myself and the world around me goes crazy. Well, at least that's how it seems. A similar thing happened earlier this year when I had developed a routine of hitting the gym in the morning before my full-time day job. It caused me to be a few minutes late every morning and my boss reprimanded me for it. My bubble was burst and that whole routine fell out the window.
It doesn't take much to throw me off course. My motivation is a very fragile delicate thing.
We hear this a lot from moms. There's so much to do for everyone else that there's no way to squeeze time in for yourself. Fitness gurus respond simply by saying something like, but if you don't take care of yourself, you aren't giving your best to your kids, or, you owe it to your kids to take care of yourself. While I don't have children, I do have a 60-hour work week between a full-time and part-time job. Both of which are demanding. Anyway, that doesn't solve the problem of the overwhelming guilty feeling. There has to be more to it. It's a more deeply embedded psychological issue. It isn't simply knowing that taking time out for yourself really does benefit others. If it was that simple. . .
While I believe it's absolutely true that I am a better employee when I feel good, I'm not sure that matters much to my employers. They want to feel like they own some of my time. That's what they are paying for, my time. That's not really how I see it. I mean, what is so magical about the hours 9 to 5 other than you want complete control of my schedule? I feel like they are paying for my work, and, if I don't have a specific appointment to meet with or talk with someone, why can't my hours be a little flexible. I'm a good worker. I'll get the work done.
I did have a scary realization out of all of this. I love working. I have no problem putting in long hours. There were times I stayed at work until 7pm for boss no. 2. I thought that entitled me to pop in at 9:30 a.m. the next morning, but I was met with, the hours are 9 to 5 and I don't want to have this discussion again. Okay. Fair enough. You're the boss. So, my realization is that, if I want a flexible schedule, I have to be the boss. That's where it gets a little scary. But, it has to be so. It has to be so.
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
10,000 steps per day
Okay, one of my biggest obstacles has been getting off the fat train. What do I do? Where do I start? Diets don't last for more than a day. And, if I do get on some health kick, it doesn't last and once it's over, I gain all the weight back and then some. So, I really need to analyze some things here. First, my life style. I sit behind a desk all day. Everything is at my fingertips for efficiency purposes. When I think about the amount of time that I am actually up on my feet, it is scary. I am very sedentary. So, I have set an alarm to go off every hour at work, at which point I will get up and take a stroll around the building (approx. 650 steps). If I do this 7 times per day, I will have walked 4550 steps while at work. It's not 10,000, I know, and I will need to figure out how to add more steps throughout the rest of my day, maybe I do several laps at lunch time, but I this is at least a start. I will let you know how it goes. Hopefully I have the time during the day to take these mini-breaks. Maybe I'll be more productive by doing so.
Finding my Why
Weight 231
Yesterday, I had dinner with my sister and some friends from work. I was having a great conversation with everyone, and then the person who was sitting to my right had to leave. He was sitting by a large window. It was dark outside which made the window basically a mirror. I saw myself in a shadowy form. I was huge. I don't know why I still get surprised. I'm 230lbs. Of course I'm huge. But I do forget. I looked like one of those people who ride the cart at the grocery store all squished and spilling over the seat. From that moment on, I was not a normal person sitting at the table. I was the fatso at the table. I just want to be normal.
What a lot of people probably assume, but most fat people won't admit, is that being fat is difficult. You get out of breath tying your shoes, walking across the hall, steps are daunting. Your clothes never seem to fit right. And sex. . . Aside from what Ralphie May says, fat people have a lot of difficulty having sex. In fact, it's nearly impossible. I can't remember the last time I had normal sex with my husband. It's been years. That's my new why. Sex.
Yesterday, I had dinner with my sister and some friends from work. I was having a great conversation with everyone, and then the person who was sitting to my right had to leave. He was sitting by a large window. It was dark outside which made the window basically a mirror. I saw myself in a shadowy form. I was huge. I don't know why I still get surprised. I'm 230lbs. Of course I'm huge. But I do forget. I looked like one of those people who ride the cart at the grocery store all squished and spilling over the seat. From that moment on, I was not a normal person sitting at the table. I was the fatso at the table. I just want to be normal.
What a lot of people probably assume, but most fat people won't admit, is that being fat is difficult. You get out of breath tying your shoes, walking across the hall, steps are daunting. Your clothes never seem to fit right. And sex. . . Aside from what Ralphie May says, fat people have a lot of difficulty having sex. In fact, it's nearly impossible. I can't remember the last time I had normal sex with my husband. It's been years. That's my new why. Sex.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Newly Inspired
I haven't been on here in a while or made much progress, but, I just watched Jillian Michaels' "Maximize your Life" and am newly inspired. My life has been stress city. We had a custody battle, in which the bio-Mom was on a major brainwashing-alienating campaign and my husband ended up allowing the step-dad to adopt them. They moved to Costa Rica, permanently. That was over a year ago.
On the bright side, we bought a new home! My husband is starting a new career! Things are really looking up for us. Its been a long hard road, so, it's about damn time!!!
My weight sky-rocketed to 230, but is now down to 220. I have a Planet Fitness membership. Today, I am going to begin eating less and moving more. My meals do not, in any way, push me over the edge calorie wise. I just need to cut out alcohol and snacking. That's it.
But, I will have to replace that with something. Crack I think. No? Not a good idea? Okay then, maybe I will just make blog posts and that will be my new obsession and I won't self-medicate with food. Maybe I will practice my piano. I don't really know yet, but I can't use food anymore. That's what they just don't get. There is an underlying reason that we medicate with food. Our medicine can't just be taken away and replaced with nothing. That's cruel.
Maybe my problem, is I don't have a strong enough "why". Have you heard that one? A favorite among the ultra fit. Not all bad, but my "why" seems very superficial so I can't feel too passionate about it. Longevity - big whoop. Maybe I want to maximize my life. What the hell does that mean? Become an adrenaline junkie? No. Well, something to figure out.
On the bright side, we bought a new home! My husband is starting a new career! Things are really looking up for us. Its been a long hard road, so, it's about damn time!!!
My weight sky-rocketed to 230, but is now down to 220. I have a Planet Fitness membership. Today, I am going to begin eating less and moving more. My meals do not, in any way, push me over the edge calorie wise. I just need to cut out alcohol and snacking. That's it.
But, I will have to replace that with something. Crack I think. No? Not a good idea? Okay then, maybe I will just make blog posts and that will be my new obsession and I won't self-medicate with food. Maybe I will practice my piano. I don't really know yet, but I can't use food anymore. That's what they just don't get. There is an underlying reason that we medicate with food. Our medicine can't just be taken away and replaced with nothing. That's cruel.
Maybe my problem, is I don't have a strong enough "why". Have you heard that one? A favorite among the ultra fit. Not all bad, but my "why" seems very superficial so I can't feel too passionate about it. Longevity - big whoop. Maybe I want to maximize my life. What the hell does that mean? Become an adrenaline junkie? No. Well, something to figure out.
Monday, March 11, 2013
145 by June 2013
At 210 this might seem like an impossible goal, but all I have to do is lose 5 lbs a week. I've gone mostly vegan and am working out at least 30 minutes a day. I think my taste is changing because Saturday my husband and I had bourbon chicken and it wasn't as delicious as it normally is. Since I went to the doctor last and was told my blood sugar was high, I proceeded to gain another 10 lbs. It was actually a blood sugar scare that prompted me to get back on the horse and get this weight back off.
Right now, my diet consists of Frozen Amy's vegan meals, frozen veggies, frozen fruit, Ezekiel Bread, carrots, hummus, melba toast, salsa and baked tostitos, oatmeal, cheerios and almond milk. We have to go out of the house if we want to cheat and we're trying to save money, so that is an insentive to stay on track.
I did it before, so there's no reason on earth I can't do it again!
Right now, my diet consists of Frozen Amy's vegan meals, frozen veggies, frozen fruit, Ezekiel Bread, carrots, hummus, melba toast, salsa and baked tostitos, oatmeal, cheerios and almond milk. We have to go out of the house if we want to cheat and we're trying to save money, so that is an insentive to stay on track.
I did it before, so there's no reason on earth I can't do it again!
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