Weight: 230
Calories: 2985 (ouch!)
Steps: 6192
So, as promised, I want to first follow-up with how I did with my steps. I did pretty good at getting up every hour and taking a brief walk around my building. I did a total of 6192 steps yesterday. I might have actually done more, but I had paused my pedometer throughout the day when I wasn't deliberately walking. My friend David pointed out to me that wasn't really necessary and we did some tests with me just moving my arm to see if it logged as steps and it in fact did not. I don't know how it knows, but it knows.
The first few times I did the walk, I was out of breath and a little light headed when I got back to my desk. As the day went on it got easier energy wise, but my motivation to walk was less. I did it anyway. One hour I missed because I just couldn't pull myself away from my work, but, I did 2 laps the next hour to make up for it. I will keep doing this walk because I think it is critical for circulation, etc. I'm sure will not affect my weight so much because it's not like I break a sweat or get my heart rate up or anything, but, it can't be healthy to sit still for 8 straight hours. If I can manage it, I will try doing 2 laps per hour which would put me well over the 10,000 steps I am working toward.
So, that's how steps are going and, moving forward, I will not only post my weight and calories, but will also post my steps.
Now, to my subject: Guilt. Not guilt of having eaten too many calories or fallen short of my goals in any way. In fact, it's very easy form me to say "screw it, I'll just start over tomorrow." I'm talking about guilt for taking time out for myself. Why do I feel so guilty? Even as I type this blog, I have an overwhelming feeling of, there's something else I should be doing. . . When I say guilt, I'm talking about a specific burning feeling in my gut. I don't know if it's actual guilt or fear or anxiety or anger, maybe it's a mix of all of those feelings, but it actually burns. I feel it.
Last week I did some aerobic CD workouts in the morning. I was so proud of myself, but that entire week I had a burning feeling in my gut that I was dropping the ball somewhere else. It didn't help that I was pestered by the attorney I work for (part-time at home) more than usual for what seemed to be nonsensical manifested emergencies which were not emergencies at all. He just had this sense of urgency that he thought we were missing deadlines (we weren't) and that everything was falling apart (it wasn't). Mind you, he had no idea that I had taken time out for myself to workout, but you see this is how the universe works against me. I feel like I have everything in place with my schedule so I squeeze in some time for myself and the world around me goes crazy. Well, at least that's how it seems. A similar thing happened earlier this year when I had developed a routine of hitting the gym in the morning before my full-time day job. It caused me to be a few minutes late every morning and my boss reprimanded me for it. My bubble was burst and that whole routine fell out the window.
It doesn't take much to throw me off course. My motivation is a very fragile delicate thing.
We hear this a lot from moms. There's so much to do for everyone else that there's no way to squeeze time in for yourself. Fitness gurus respond simply by saying something like, but if you don't take care of yourself, you aren't giving your best to your kids, or, you owe it to your kids to take care of yourself. While I don't have children, I do have a 60-hour work week between a full-time and part-time job. Both of which are demanding. Anyway, that doesn't solve the problem of the overwhelming guilty feeling. There has to be more to it. It's a more deeply embedded psychological issue. It isn't simply knowing that taking time out for yourself really does benefit others. If it was that simple. . .
While I believe it's absolutely true that I am a better employee when I feel good, I'm not sure that matters much to my employers. They want to feel like they own some of my time. That's what they are paying for, my time. That's not really how I see it. I mean, what is so magical about the hours 9 to 5 other than you want complete control of my schedule? I feel like they are paying for my work, and, if I don't have a specific appointment to meet with or talk with someone, why can't my hours be a little flexible. I'm a good worker. I'll get the work done.
I did have a scary realization out of all of this. I love working. I have no problem putting in long hours. There were times I stayed at work until 7pm for boss no. 2. I thought that entitled me to pop in at 9:30 a.m. the next morning, but I was met with, the hours are 9 to 5 and I don't want to have this discussion again. Okay. Fair enough. You're the boss. So, my realization is that, if I want a flexible schedule, I have to be the boss. That's where it gets a little scary. But, it has to be so. It has to be so.
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